Número 44, Abril 2013
Matrimonios de diversas clases

Eduardo Escobar. Ilustración: Fernando Rico

 
 
Para empezar el lector debe creerme cuando le digo que no tengo ni pizca de homofóbico, que en el fondo del alma me importa un carajo si a la gente le gusta acostarse por su lado toronja o por su lado cocacola, y que además conté entre algunos de los mejores amigos que la vida me dio a algunas personas que mi padre llamaba anormales. Entes llenos de talentos, incluso muy masculinos, si masculino es antónimo de atildado, y además sensibles, poetas magníficos y de trato estimulante y enriquecedor, aunque también es verdad que a veces, cuando se emborrachaban, esparcían al desgaire en las fiestas puñados de plumas que los convertían en unos contertulios irrespirables, más empalagosos que queribles, y en ocasiones incluso fatigantes con sus malas caricaturas de Sarita Montiel o de una tía de Sarita Montiel.

No caeré en el viejo argumento de los predicadores de la superioridad gay, trayendo a cuento a Leonardo, a Miguel Ángel y a Rimbaud, a Proust, a André Gide o a Oscar Wilde, el más reputado de los mártires de la religión de los jóvenes; o abundando, a Marguerite Yourcenar y a Simone de Beauvoir, que al parecer fueron tan universales en sus gustos carnales. Pero la experiencia de la vida corrobora mi sospecha de que para ser un gran artista la mujer ha de tener aunque sea un pelo de macho en alguna parte, y el hombre un componente femenino que disminuya aunque solo sea en un grado el macho puro, vociferante e hirsuto. Cuando medito en esto trato y trato de imaginar a Arnold Schwarzenegger o a Mike Tyson escribiendo sonetos, y me resulta imposible. Tanto como pensar que esa vecina mía, juguete de silicona, empeñada en parecerse a Sofía Vergara después de seis penosos sacrificios en los quirófanos, escribe a solas otras Memorias de Adriano. Sí, hay que ser un poco andrógino, si se es hombre, y sacrificar un poco de músculo superfluo, matizando una equis en el paquete cromosómico, para acceder a ciertos vericuetos de la mente y el espíritu. Y si mujer, una cierta oscuridad en la garganta que ahonde la voz, y hasta un ligero bozo en el labio superior o un pelo rebelde en el mentón.

Esto no quiere decir que me gusten los señores, ni poco. Como todos los muchachos normales tuve ciertos acercamientos más que fraternos con mis compañeros de colegio, curiosos campeonatos de masturbadores, individuales y por equipos. Pero temprano en la vida hallé más amable el contacto de la seda que el del yute, y el olor de la piel femenina que el humo de mis compañeros de pupitre, mandarina y meados. Pronto mi alma se dio cuenta de que mis semejantes no eran su plato preferido. Que era alófaga, es decir, consumidora de lo desemejante –ojo al neologismo, alófaga como existe el alópata–, y no quedó disgustada con los dioses cuando descubrió que la habían hecho para otros menesteres de cama y que prefería irremediablemente dormir en los brazos de Sofía Loren más bien que en los de Carlo Ponti. Mi alma hasta se envanece cuando en los retenes de la costa los vendedores de butifarras y de bolloeyuca llaman a su anfitrión, es decir, a este amanuense, “seño”, mientras hacen triscar las tijeras de aluminio sobre las crenchas de mi cabeza. Entonces le parece que aún tiene su casero esperanzas de convertirse un día no lejano en un prosista apreciable, aunque solo sea ante sus propios ojos.

No soy homofónico ni ortofónico y ni siquiera estéreo, para decirlo en el lenguaje de la vieja tecnología. Porque hoy hay incluso aparatos cuadrafónicos y armados con búfer. Pero no nos metamos en honduras, en vanas distinciones entre el espíritu de lo digital y lo analógico. Lo que me pidieron no fue una confesión de fe heterosexual ni una diatriba en defensa de mis amigos, bujarrones o pasivos, sino una honesta opinión sobre uno de los temas de moda: el matrimonio igualitario.

Esta es mi verdad: a pesar de mi actitud ante la vida, liberal y hasta libertina, ver a dos señores calzándose mutuamente el más que simbólico anillo ante un notario o un juez en Las Vegas me causa una impresión incalificable. Y tuve que hacer un reacomodamiento mental cuando en la discusión de la ley que regirá el matrimonio entre señores iguales y señoras iguales un abogado norteamericano, vestido con corrección monocromática, subió al atril y presentó a su esposo en el Capitolio. Los mecanismos del lenguaje se inquietan y se demoran en entender estas cosas. Aunque uno no sea el ‘Macho’ Camacho.

Más que una cuestión de prejuicios morales es un asunto semántico. Un señor que presenta un esposo en lugar de una esposa siempre deja al lenguaje cabreado. Al viejo sentido le parece bien para cuestiones prácticas y de dinero a la hora de la separación de bienes que las parejas igualitarias, pertenecientes a cualquiera de los componentes del LGBTI, inventen subterfugios de legista para el día de la separación, e incluso la solemnización de la unión, como me pareció entender que se dice. Pero al mismo tiempo me parece una inutilidad que unas personas tan libres, como se precian de ser las señoras con novia y los señores con tinieblo, quieran remedar el viejo matrimonio androgámico, fracasado hace tiempos en un mundo donde la gente cada vez se casa menos, con nuevas modalidades como el bigámico, es decir, el que ocurre entre dos mujeres, y el biándrico, el que se celebra entre dos varones. Como si el matrimonio fuera bueno. Como si fuera deseable. Un teólogo que participó en el debate en el senado, un señor lastimoso con una argumentación de una pobreza inaudita, advirtió, después de recordar la degenerada Roma clásica y la Grecia de Aquiles y Patroclo, que el matrimonio homosexual aumentaría los casos de cáncer de ano.
 
 

 

Ilustración: Fernando Rico

Pero bien pudo en su lógica bastarda proclamar que el matrimonio igualitario se convertirá de ahora en adelante, caso improbable de ser autorizado, en el castigo por el vicio nefando, que fue el nombre terrible que se le dio al placer homosexual en los tiempos en que había libros prohibidos y pirómanos de bibliotecas y se asaba en la hoguera a los propios autores acusados de brujos.

Es un lugar común, viene de antiguo rodando la conseja, que el matrimonio es la tumba del amor y solo añade a las dependencias sentimentales la intervención de los abogados, que suelen resultar costosos, dispendiosos e intrincados. El matrimonio no hace más que agregarle estrecheces a la jaula de la vida y nos condena a vivir en otro o en otra y a morir fuera de sus ojos, como decían escuetamente las canciones de antaño. Yo lo sé por experiencia después de media docena de uniones androgámicas, fracasadas entre estruendos de lágrimas, visitas al juzgado y mutuas maldiciones.

Si matrimonio viene de madre es fácil para lo que Noam Chomsky y Steven Pinker llaman el instinto del lenguaje acostumbrarse a una boda de dos caballeras. Pero mucho menos aceptar la palabra para nombrar la unión de dos patriarcas de pelo en pecho que han decidido emparejarse ante la ley. Quizás entonces deberíamos duplicar el sentido de patrimonio, por antisentimental que suene y por prosaico que parezca. Pero en fin, matrimonio y mortaja y patrimonio del cielo bajan.

También se discute que dos personas del mismo sexo puedan fundar una familia con niños y todo. Pero según mi diccionario favorito la palabra familia designaba antiguamente el conjunto de esclavos y criados de una persona. Y derivada de famulus, sirviente, en algunos casos se hizo extensiva a los demonios familiares y a las culebras domésticas que según el Buscón albergaban en los años de Quevedo algunas casas criollas, en aquellos tiempos tan bárbaros como estos. No nos hagamos ilusiones. UC

  1. Julio Verne Bernal's avatar Julio Verne Bernal dice:
    Hace 07/05/2013

    De acuerdo. Tengo las mismas percepciones y afectos del poeta, aunque no participé de los mismos campeonatos adolescentes suyos. Hasta tuve mi gran amor efébico que recuerdo con agrado. Pero matrimonio? Qué pendejada!

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  2. Jose Garces's avatar Jose Garces dice:
    Hace 15/05/2013

    Muy bueno el artículo, excelente ilustración. Felicitaciones al escritor, felicitaciones al ilustrador y por supuesto al periódico.

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